By Anna Holmes
A question of loyalty
Q: I work for a smallish company. I enjoy my job, the challenge, my co-workers and the good work-life balance. I was hired by a leader in the company who I’ve known professionally for many years. The role I was hired into was a bit of a stretch, and I think this person went out a bit on a limb to bring me in. Fast-forward six years and I’ve excelled, been promoted and clearly made a positive impact on the company. One day, I received an email from a recruiter on LinkedIn about a similar role, but at a higher executive level and a larger organization with perhaps more prestige and compensation. The role seemed like a good fit, but then I also felt a heavy dose of guilt for leaving the leader who believed in me. Because of my conflicted feelings, I ended up not coming off as enthusiastic about the role in my final round and, ultimately, I didn’t get the job. How loyal does one need to be to someone who is responsible for a lot of my career growth and success? — ALBERT
A: My first question for you: How much do you want a new job versus thinking you should want a new job? We live in a culture in which we feel we always need to be on the lookout for the next best thing. But what if we’re happy where we are?
It sure sounds that you’re in an enviable, if not ideal, position. A lot of us working stiffs don’t have this sort of luck. So the second question I’d urge you to ask yourself is: What do you think the chances are that you might find these sorts of attributes in the context of a new job?
As for the loyalty issue, this is tougher, which is why I’m saving it for last. Looking out for No. 1 and not letting emotions like guilt dictate our career decisions is important in terms of building our careers. At the same time, there’s something to be said for listening to one’s heart and one’s gut, and it sounds as if your heart (and your gut!) communicated something to these prospective employers, namely, that you aren’t that enthusiastic about taking on a new job at a new company.
I think you should also ask yourself where, after six years in your current role, you might go from here. And then, if it feels as if you’re ready for a new challenge, I’d recommend asking your supervisor — the person you’re feeling such loyalty to — what opportunities for advancement are available now or in the immediate future. Some career coaches might counsel that one way to get more responsibility in one’s current position is to come to the table with a job offer from elsewhere, but that can be risky: Your current employer might call your bluff, so to speak. And if you’re not actually ready to leave, then what? That said, it can’t hurt to know what else is out there in terms of job opportunities. After all, knowledge may not be prestige, or a padded bank account, but it is its own form of power.
Advising a friend
Q: I have a good friend who is trying to advance her career. She has a top-notch resume, sterling education credentials and a track record of clinching every job she has applied for in the past. But over the past couple of years, she has gained a substantial amount of weight, is becoming poorly groomed and her clothing choices seem off the mark for the type of job she aspires to. Our circle of friends feels bad that she is discouraged by the job rejections, but we all agree that she is either inattentive to or willfully ignoring choices that would better her chances for career advancement. Yet none of us want to give honest advice for fear of hurting her feelings and jeopardizing our relationship. Is there a way to handle this? — ANONYMOUS
A: How people look on the outside can often be a strong indicator of how they’re feeling on the inside. It sounds as if your friend might be depressed. And depression can be part of a vicious cycle where we undervalue ourselves to the point where we communicate to others that they should undervalue us, either in behaviors or appearance. Or both.
I agree that you may hurt her feelings by giving her honest feedback about what might be holding her back in terms of finding a job. So I suggest you engage her in conversation not about her aesthetics — please don’t bring up her weight — but about her feelings. How is she doing? How are the job rejections affecting her? And what might she do to turn things around?
Inquiry around, and validation of, one’s emotions and experiences by friends and family can go a long way toward instilling a measure of self-awareness that can lead to lasting change. Though you can’t make her improve how she presents herself, you can have an effect on how she feels about herself deep down. Offering her the opportunity to think aloud about this will give you — and her — valuable information as to how to best be of support, and maybe make some substantial changes.
A passive-aggressive boss
Q: Last year, I was hired at a large NGO. This was my first job after finishing my master’s degree, and I was excited to start my career at a renowned organization. As time went on, I started being pelted with assignments that were not only not in my job description, but also things I did not have any grasp on at that time. But I wasn’t in a position to make a fuss about it, so I did my best to learn. The problems really started once my manager started contacting me on weekends to fix mistakes she noticed on my assignments. My problem with that was the mistakes were for things that I had absolutely zero experience doing and the fact that my weekends were being rudely interrupted. The other issue was terseness and passive-aggressiveness. In person, she would treat me exactly as her other subordinates, but online it was a different story. This is what made her behavior hard to explain to upper management and HR. My co-workers understood me, but her supervisors never treated this as a big issue. I am open to being wrong, but I would like your thoughts on this. — ANONYMOUS
A: It’s clear that your boss is being overly demanding, passive-aggressive and downright rude. It sounds as if you’ve already tried to engage upper management and HR about your supervisor’s behavior. And it seems that they’ve done little to nothing about it. So, I’m torn. My instinct is to tell you to approach your supervisor directly and communicate to her that you want to have a better working relationship. You can ask what you can do to improve things — not just your work, but your relationship with her. If she responds negatively or — ugh — tersely, I’d set up another meeting with HR to discuss your continued concerns. I’d also think about other job opportunities.
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